An unexpected turn of events

Greetings from the Moakley clinic, bay number 19 - I'm sure many of you are surprised to hear this! As was I!!!

Yesterday, March 22, I came into the clinic to meet Nurse D with the hopes that she would tell me I had a thyroid problem (I know what you're thinking... I'm crazy) to help explain all this ridiculous weight gain.  Unfortunately that dialogue wasn't scripted as I imagined. Instead of it being about medicines to help stimulate my thyroid, it was more along the lines that my friend Hodgkin's continues to get worse and is getting more dangerous everyday I go untreated.

My "many months" that I was given to decide on an appropriate fertility plan for B and I apparently was a bit of an over estimate given the more sobering news that my first six cycles of chemo did more damage to my fertility than we thought.  I can't really explain how it feels to be told you have the time to preserve your chances of creating a biological match - an additional life partner and then a few short months later be told that your chances are very slim and the risk/benefit factor of survival is too high to continue with the fertility preservation.

After talking with our very accomplished fertility specialist Dr. T, to add insult to injury, it turns out my FSH levels are way above the "normal" levels for women my age. Essentially what this means is that the body is trying to stimulate ovulation but isn't getting anywhere with it.  I think in even simpler terms the higher the FSH, the more difficult it is to get pregnant or to harvest viable eggs.  This news was completely devastating especially on the heels of being told that chemo was an immediate plan of action.

Disclaimer, this paragraph includes some difficult statistics. Please be prepared.

After meeting with Nurse D, we learned from the studies that the survival rate of relapse Hodgkin's patients being treated with ICE and then going into transplant was a mean of 65%.  Obviously to both B and I this seemed very low.  If we continued to hold off on treatment, I would be reversing those survival rates and making the chances of survival much more slim.

So after being pretty blindsided by all of that news, I finally conceded at about 5:30 p.m. and decided to progress with the chemo and wave goodbye to my fertility chances.  Of course some of you may be thinking that there are always miracles, which there are but with my luck lately I'm not crossing my fingers for anything.  B made a very compelling point to me that there are always other options for us to start a family but there is only one me - and if I'm not around for that than all the eggs in the world mean nothing.

Fast forward to today, where I plan to spend 8 hours in the clinic being infused with I, C and E, 2 things of Mesna (a kidney medication) and 1000 mL of saline - PLUS 64+ ounces of water.

Tonight I have to take home a dose of the Mesna that I have to drink.  I will keep you posted as to the results.

T

What Happened to Easy Decisions?

I am still in such shock that all this is happening again - that my body is still filled with chemo and I have to make a huge decision as to where I want to go to put so much chemo back in my system that it kills my entire system. Such high doses that they have to rebuild my bone marrow, one stem cell at a time.

Besides the fact that this will be time consuming, has painful side effects and can be very dangerous with a heightened risk of infection, it can also ruin my chances of ever having my own children.

B and I met with a doctor last week to discuss our options for a family we can't even fathom having right now. The standard options for IVF might not be an option for us because our doctor hasn't encountered a patient in my position.  It seems to be the perfect storm almost: ovarian suppression for six months, four weeks out of chemo and having to go back into treatment in less than six months. These are all factors that Dr. T is concerned could cause problems for the "offspring" in the future.

Even larger than that, he is concerned about my health: how long do I have to wait? Can I afford to wait a few more months before I even start this next regimen?  

On top of these two questions, I'm not sure how I feel giving up my chances to be a mom to get this whole cancer thing over with with sooner.

So tomorrow I go back in for my first round of testing to see where we stand. Keep your fingers crossed that the horizon isn't too bleak.

xoxo

t